Part 2
On 31st July 2002, Pauline Chan took an overdose of speeds and sleeping pills to dull her pains. Next, she cut her wrist. It did not work, she was still alive. She then made her final decision. The decision that would terminate all her pains that had gnawed her for 5 years – suicide.
Pauline was staying on the 24th floor of the apartment, and she leapt from there to her death. It was reported that death was dreadful and gruesome. She wore a white pajama. She leapt and her legs first touched the ground. They were broken and folded. And her yet to heal wound on her abdomen where she delivered her baby by Cesarean less than a month ago, burst opened and her intestines spilled out.
Her last words that she told her mother to convey massages to her former adopted father, ‘To Mr. Wong, tell him that I'm leaving and please take good care of himself’. And to her good friends from the entertainment circle, ‘To my friends, goodbye. There’re certain things that friends can help, but there’re certain things that friends cannot help’. (Her last words made me teary. She was right. Not everything friends could help).
IMO, the biggest mistake Pauline made was that she did not seek for medical help and take the appropriate medications. Instead of that, she self-medicated herself with speeds and sleeping pills.
I'm aware that the majority of the people in the Asian society are less informed and less learnt. They consider depression as an excuse of being lazy, lacking of will power, not looking for proper jobs, and/or wanting to live off families or partners. It hurts and angers me, being thrown with such insults and humiliations when I’m in this agonizing, tormenting pain. And how agonizing, tormenting it is? Enough to kill Leslie Cheung and Pauline Chan.
Many people say I should ‘snap out of it’. Snap out of it? When I had been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Body Dysmorphobic Disorder (BDD), Eating Disorder (ED), and Panic Disorder? These 5 mental conditions are compatible and they could attack me together at a time. They control me. They own me. Nothing could rid of them. I’ve tried both the medical and alternative ways. Both could only suppress those conditions but never be able to uproot them from me.
This illness takes away, strips off everything from me, destroys and damages all that I have. It has been a constant struggle. It has become a reality that I have to continue to live with it for a lifetime.
But am I bitter? No. I am not. Life is still, somehow beautiful.
Picture: The very ill Pauline.
On 31st July 2002, Pauline Chan took an overdose of speeds and sleeping pills to dull her pains. Next, she cut her wrist. It did not work, she was still alive. She then made her final decision. The decision that would terminate all her pains that had gnawed her for 5 years – suicide.
Pauline was staying on the 24th floor of the apartment, and she leapt from there to her death. It was reported that death was dreadful and gruesome. She wore a white pajama. She leapt and her legs first touched the ground. They were broken and folded. And her yet to heal wound on her abdomen where she delivered her baby by Cesarean less than a month ago, burst opened and her intestines spilled out.
Her last words that she told her mother to convey massages to her former adopted father, ‘To Mr. Wong, tell him that I'm leaving and please take good care of himself’. And to her good friends from the entertainment circle, ‘To my friends, goodbye. There’re certain things that friends can help, but there’re certain things that friends cannot help’. (Her last words made me teary. She was right. Not everything friends could help).
IMO, the biggest mistake Pauline made was that she did not seek for medical help and take the appropriate medications. Instead of that, she self-medicated herself with speeds and sleeping pills.
I'm aware that the majority of the people in the Asian society are less informed and less learnt. They consider depression as an excuse of being lazy, lacking of will power, not looking for proper jobs, and/or wanting to live off families or partners. It hurts and angers me, being thrown with such insults and humiliations when I’m in this agonizing, tormenting pain. And how agonizing, tormenting it is? Enough to kill Leslie Cheung and Pauline Chan.
Many people say I should ‘snap out of it’. Snap out of it? When I had been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Body Dysmorphobic Disorder (BDD), Eating Disorder (ED), and Panic Disorder? These 5 mental conditions are compatible and they could attack me together at a time. They control me. They own me. Nothing could rid of them. I’ve tried both the medical and alternative ways. Both could only suppress those conditions but never be able to uproot them from me.
This illness takes away, strips off everything from me, destroys and damages all that I have. It has been a constant struggle. It has become a reality that I have to continue to live with it for a lifetime.
But am I bitter? No. I am not. Life is still, somehow beautiful.
Picture: The very ill Pauline.
2 comments:
hey. Can i know you? i mean, i just want to know you. My mom suffered from depression too. Well, she'd done it. Not here anymore. But i never know what she'd experienced? I'm just curious? Or maybe i've inherited her "illness"? Sometimes i just tend to think alot.
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