Pauline Chan, Part 2

Part 2

On 31st July 2002, Pauline Chan took an overdose of speeds and sleeping pills to dull her pains. Next, she cut her wrist. It did not work, she was still alive. She then made her final decision. The decision that would terminate all her pains that had gnawed her for 5 years – suicide.

Pauline was staying on the 24th floor of the apartment, and she leapt from there to her death. It was reported that death was dreadful and gruesome. She wore a white pajama. She leapt and her legs first touched the ground. They were broken and folded. And her yet to heal wound on her abdomen where she delivered her baby by Cesarean less than a month ago, burst opened and her intestines spilled out.

Her last words that she told her mother to convey massages to her former adopted father, ‘To Mr. Wong, tell him that I'm leaving and please take good care of himself’. And to her good friends from the entertainment circle, ‘To my friends, goodbye. There’re certain things that friends can help, but there’re certain things that friends cannot help’. (Her last words made me teary. She was right. Not everything friends could help).

IMO, the biggest mistake Pauline made was that she did not seek for medical help and take the appropriate medications. Instead of that, she self-medicated herself with speeds and sleeping pills.

I'm aware that the majority of the people in the Asian society are less informed and less learnt. They consider depression as an excuse of being lazy, lacking of will power, not looking for proper jobs, and/or wanting to live off families or partners. It hurts and angers me, being thrown with such insults and humiliations when I’m in this agonizing, tormenting pain. And how agonizing, tormenting it is? Enough to kill Leslie Cheung and Pauline Chan.

Many people say I should ‘snap out of it’. Snap out of it? When I had been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Body Dysmorphobic Disorder (BDD), Eating Disorder (ED), and Panic Disorder? These 5 mental conditions are compatible and they could attack me together at a time. They control me. They own me. Nothing could rid of them. I’ve tried both the medical and alternative ways. Both could only suppress those conditions but never be able to uproot them from me.

This illness takes away, strips off everything from me, destroys and damages all that I have. It has been a constant struggle. It has become a reality that I have to continue to live with it for a lifetime.

But am I bitter? No. I am not. Life is still, somehow beautiful.


Picture: The very ill Pauline.

Pauline Chan, Part 1

Part 1


This is a sequel from my previous blog entitles ‘Leslie Cheung’. Here I shall write about another selected individual’s (sufferer of Depression) story, which also make the Hong Kong entertainment circle and the Chinese movie goers shocked beyond their believes.

This is the life story of Pauline Chan, a very beautiful actress envied by others, but a less known, less famous figure in Hong Kong entertainment industry. She was a second rated and soft porn actress, and an unknown model.

In Shanghai, on 31st July 2002, Pauline Chan leapt from her 24th floor apartment to her death. She was 29 years old. It was an awfully miserable life for Pauline several years prior to her death. Painful to live, painful to die.

Pauline was born in 1973 in Shanghai to an under privileged, broken family. At age 12, she followed her mother to move to Hong Kong. Age 15, she started modeling. At age 17, she participated in a Hong Kong beauty pageant, Miss Asia pageant, but failed miserably. But somehow, she received requests from the Hong Kong soft porn movie directors to act in their movies. And her mother, hoping to share her daughter’s fame, had forced her to agree. How cruel. So, WHO SAYS ALL MOTHERS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN? Humbugs!

But later, she rose to fame in soft porn movies and starred in 8 of them in a year’s time. That was 1991. In 1992 she left the soft porn scene, which she disliked and hoping to gain fame in more ‘decent’ side of Hong Kong entertainment world. She chose singing, but failed again, along with more and more failures. But at the same time, she met a Taiwanese tycoon, Mr. Wong Yam Chung. Mr. Wong adopted Pauline as a daughter, along with a harem of his adoptions of other beautiful famous stars.

Her agony started on year 1997. She was supposed to appear in a Taiwan TV program. But at the back stage, she suddenly lost control of her temperament, screaming and scolding without reasons. It indicated her mental ability to reason and control had started to dwindle, and the beginning of her getting hooked with overdoses of street drugs and sleeping pills.

In year 1999, she was rejected by her adopted father, Mr. Wong, and being chased out of his luxurious resident. It was reported that Mr. Wong had given her a fair amount of money to live on before parting from her. She cried in front of the gate of his house, swallowed a lot of sleeping pills to attempt suicide and in her stupor, she striped off her clothes. She was later sent to the hospital. And that followed by a series of her stripping her clothes after that.

Being rejected from entering Mr. Wong’s resident, she had no where to go and left stranded in the Taipei airport. The symptoms of her mental illness had emerged again and she removed her under garments in the crowded airport. She spent days sleeping there. Later, as her illness advanced, there was a series of violence, in which she offended others and involved in fights.

Meanwhile, she had a short relationship with a DJ in Taiwan, and found herself pregnant. This time, she went to Shanghai, China, staying in an apartment while waiting for the deliverance of her baby.

On July 2002 she gave birth to her baby, a boy. There were witnesses that saw her in pajama that hardly buttoned well and exposing her breast, walking slowly to the hospital prior to her delivery to her baby. Her mother contacted her, telling her to stop taking sleeping pills and speeds. But Pauline expressed, ‘Actually being conscious is more painful!’ (This statement made me startled and upset. I knew her pain. I could feel it. This is the moment of the excruciating pain that only the sufferers of depression could understand).

Picture: The beautiful Pauline Chan before falling ill, and the dreadful after.

PA

Leslie Cheung

I felt compelled to write about this great man, once an infamous, extraordinarily good-looking heartthrob, chased after by an ocean of screaming fans, touching him was like a Midas’ Touch, for he was their gold, and worshipping him like a god. He was such a living legend that he was honored, being called, ‘Ko Ko’ or Elder Brother. He was Leslie Cheung, arguably one of Asia’s top entertainers, although he was already in his 40s, semi retired from the show biz. He was also openly declared he was a gay, despite knowing that it would affect his fame. But his fans accepted him the same.

My own Depression had made me to do this, writing about Cheung’s suffering that similar to mine – the Depression that killed him mercilessly. Same illness, but different ways to cope and solve.

1st April 2003, 6.41 p.m. Cheung leapt to his death from a café in the 24th Floor, of the Mandarin Hotel in Hong Kong. In the beginning, the entire world thought it was an April Fool’s joke. A joke that shockingly became a horrifying reality.

He wrote a suicide note that read, “Depression! Thank you to the fans. Thank you to Prof. Mike (his psychiatrist). It has been a year of suffering. Thank you Mr. Tong (his boyfriend). Thank you Fei Che. In my life I have done nothing wrong. Why it has to be like this?”

The police found that suicide note in his coat pocket. He was rushed to the Queen Mary Hospital where he was certified dead at 7.06 p.m. Everyone in Hong Kong show biz were extremely shocked and devastated. Then followed by his fans all over the world.

I’ve been suffering from full-blown Depression for decades. And Cheung suffered from it for only a year and chose committing suicide as the solution? Was Cheung’s Depression many times worse than mine? It remains a mystery.

Throughout the entire year before Cheung’s suicide, he had manifested many signs of melancholia. He had written a song with depressive lyrics. His producer Chui Fung of many years, told the media that Cheung had complaint about his severe depression and being easy to become aggressive throughout the year.

And bizarrely, Cheung had also informed her that he had been cast Black magic curses on, something that had no scientific explanations, was unrealistic and doubted by many. So Chui Fung hastily asked Cheung to see a psychiatrist and to take medications.

Black magic is REAL. Not many would believe its existence or harm that it would cause. Cheung’s case was a typical example. He was emotionally unstable and complaint about being disturbed by certain ‘things’, having insomnia, had broken down and crying to his friends for help. Cheung kept saying that he didn’t do anything wrong, but those ‘things’ refused to stop disturbing him. He was also paranoid, thought that he had been followed.

He has sought medical help from a psychiatrist. And at the same time, consulting numerous Tao priests or shamans. When things didn’t change, he even went to see a Christian pastor. But none worked.

On July of 2002, his illness had worsened. He had lost weight and taken lots of medicines that
made him appeared with shaky hands. He continued with his cries for help. No one knew his level of severity of Depression, and how painful it had made him till he chose suicide to end it.

In these days and age, Cheung’s case is a testimony that how much more the ignorant people should take efforts to learn and understand. Many still think it’s a weakness of character and lack of will power that make suicide to occur. To point at failures in love relationships, financial problems, family problems for a case like Cheung’s are LAME EXCUSES and are ideas of those less acknowledged fools. In this way, Depression is often underestimated and overlooked.

But unfortunately, these fools aren't few. It made up MOST of the populations of each country in the world. These vacuum headed ones also consider Depression is just a period of high and low, caused by the happenings in the surroundings, harmless and is experienced by all.

But Depression in clinical and practical sense is a terrifying monster that swallowed the unfortunately SELECTED individuals, throwing spells of gloom and darkness, and is powerful enough to pull the individuals down to the lowest of the lowest, darkest of the darkest. It’s a spell of doom that the selected individuals could never avoid. And it’s excruciatingly painful, so great it’s near impossible to ease it. And Cheung, a selected individual, had chosen death as relief. Very unfortunate, I too, am a SELECTED ONE, just like Cheung.

Picture: Leslie Cheung

Cabaret meter, Part 4

Part 4

Now, what about the second or third rated nightclubs? Some hostesses would be willing to provide sexual services as low as RM 100 (U$ 26.45) and even lower for the illegal hostesses, such as Chinese girls from Mainland China. I had worked in these cheaper nightclubs, collecting tips from table to table.

In some of these nightclubs, (a friend had witnessed and letting me to write them) you might see naked girls doing blow jobs on one client to the other. So was having sexual intercourse in full views. Never be too surprise.

Of course they were reluctant jobs for many, but there was a trick. It was what we called a cocktail. A cocktail is a mixture of alcohol and speeds that would blur a girl, made her less conscious of her surrounding and more willing to do or would able to perform them better. Hence, feeling much less humiliated and embarrassed. That could also dull her memory. The girl could not remember much of the humiliation she went through the night before.

It was terribly sad for a girl had to make a living like that. But we understand her plights. She was in the same shaky boat we were in, only on the rougher sea waves.

But the rests of the world, or the non-prostitutes, would never be. Come across parents’ who grin widely welcoming their prostituted daughters who came home with a bag full of money? But the same parents who treat their returned penniless daughters like unwelcome guests that they think would only waste rice?

Come across girls prostituting to buy houses or new homes for her parents? Girls who prostituting to pay for siblings’ education, house/cars loans and even the expenses of their new babies? Let alone supporting the girls’ own little children? And some with their boyfriends/husbands who sponge them off? They were where the girls’ money flows to.


Picture: Me in the reception of Deluxe Nightclub, X’mas Eve, 1995

Cabaret meter, Part 3

Part 3


So, did the girls earned ten of thousands and became very wealthy? No. Not true. There’s a HIERARCHY OF STATUS, from high position to medium to low. Very few make it to the high position or the ‘top girls’ who earned tens of thousands. The rests who belonged to medium to low positions. What were the problems we faced and later led us to leave the nightclub and working somewhere else? And how great humiliations, insults, disappointments came were?

First. The whole business was all based on the mamasans, who had the authority to choose or pick whichever girls they wanted to, to meet and entertain the clients. So favoritism and discriminations were normal. But since we were not employed by the company, but was of a free entry and leaving, so we could not be fired, unless if a girl caused a great problem.

There were girls who were least picked by the mamasans. They were often the less attractive girls, the older ones, and the girls disliked by mamasans and clients (due to favoritism, or ‘mou wan hei’ or unfortunate, we called). They had to endure the humiliations of waiting the entire night, for nights, for not being selected by the mamasans. The mamasans often belittled and ignored them or they were just being invisible. And the mamasans hoped these girls to leave the nightclub on their own and work somewhere else. The name-callings, the mamasans’ authority abuses, vulgarity and rudeness were the norm of every night. If couldn’t endure that, then pack your bag and LEAVE.

Second. Being rejected by the Almighty Goddamn Clients. It was very humiliating to stand in front of half a dozen of dirty, horny and leering men, in our full regalia - skimpy, very sexy outfits, fully made-up and our hair carefully done, and then being ignored, later officially rejected and threw out of the karaoke room! Did we worth anything when these pariahs chose to refuse us?

And so which girls wanted to remain to work there, when being degraded to the realm of animals?


Picture: Me at the entrance Of Deluxe Nightclub, X’mas Eve, 1995.

Cabaret meter, Part 2

Part 2

And what were the charges in Deluxe Nightclub for the sidelines, or the real prostitution, or for having a girl for sexual services? Sky-rocketing. There were 2 types of services. The first service was the short-time, or a quickie, or precisely, a client could only have ONE sexual intercourse. After he had finished, the girl could leave. What if he wanted more? He then had to pay for the overnight or double the charge.

And how much did the girl earn from a short-time? Ten ‘hours’, or RM 280 (U$ 74) plus RM 500 (U$132.27) for the sideline, and a deduction of 10 % from the RM 500, or RM 50 (U$ 13.22) for the mamasans. So the total amount earned by the girl was RM 730 (U$ 193.12), excluding more tips from the client after the short-time!

And how much a client had to pay? (He also had to pay for the liquors and some plates of fruits). He should bring not less than RM 1,500 (U$ 396.82).

The second service was the overnight and the most lucrative one, which the girl would stay with the client till morning. The client could have as many sexual intercourse as he wanted to.

And how much a girl would earn for an overnight? Ten ‘hours’, or RM 280 (U$ 74) plus RM 1,000 (U$264.55) for the sideline, and a deduction of 10 % from the RM 1,000, or RM 100 (U$ 26.45) for the mamasans. So the total amount earned by the girl was RM 1,180 (U$ 312.16), excluding more tips from the client after the overnight! Hence, the girl’s earning of an overnight sleeping with a client was more than a month salary of an account or general clerk in Malaysia!

And how much a client had to pay? He should bring not less than RM 2,000 (U$ 529.10).

Well, were there any clients who refused to pay, or if there were fighting? In most cases, the transactions were made in the nightclubs, so they were safe. Unless if the clients were the regulars, the mamasans would allow them to pay the girls in the hotel rooms or homes.

The clients that patronized the luxurious nightclubs were mainly well-mannered wealthy and privileged locals and foreigners that had reputations to maintain. Hence, violence was hardly heard of.

Picture: Me in Deluxe Nightclub reception, X’mas Eve, 1995.

Cabaret meter, Part 1

Part 1

On my favorite subject, the nightclubs. They could be explicit, so do select the suitable blogs to read. This subject is very long, hence I shall divide it into 4 parts, for easier reading and understanding.

One very interesting matter that hasn’t been touched on. How much we girls earned? And how much the clients were charged for talking and entertaining by the hostesses, of which including groping the girls, slipping hands into bras and panties, the forced kissing on the mouths and fingering? It was and that was why they were expensive, although seemingly a rip off business. (Try groping other girls, the non-prostitutes I mean, and what happen? Get ready to be imprisoned).

In Deluxe Nightclub, Jalan Ampang, Kuala Lumpur in year 1998, an ‘hour’ of having a girl sitting and entertaining, the client had to pay about RM 50 (U$ 13.51) and the girl got RM 28 (U$ 7.40) share from it. The charges varied from one nightclub to another. But the ‘hour’ system was only a guide. A client always needs to pay more than the real length of time a girl sitting and entertaining him. In another description, if a girl sitting with a client in an hour or less, the client had to pay twice, thrice or many more ‘hours’. The ‘full hours’ was usually 6 to 8 hours in most nightclubs. And by obtaining the ‘full hours’, a girl could go home earlier, before the fixed waiting time to leave, 2 a.m.

Hence, if a girl sat with a client for any amount of time, she could pester and coo as seductive, flirtatious and honeyed-nagging as she could, to make the client to pay as many ‘hours’ as possible. There were top girls breaking the records, having the clients paid 100 to 200 ‘hours’ for an hour or two sittings!

That also indicated only the wealthy clients could patronize these luxurious nightclubs. Even the middle class could never be able to afford to, unless if they used the expense accounts (their companies’ accounts).

But the men from middle and lower classes had choices. There were a plenty of other cheaper or second to third rated nightclubs or lounges to go to, so they were not left out. In the cheaper nightclubs, the clients only needed to give tips to the girls, just like in some movies, where men slipped cash into the girls’ cleavages.

Picture: Me in entrance of Deluxe Nightclub, X’mas Eve, 1995